# 033 Time for change

All my bags are packed I'm ready to go
I'm standing here outside your door,
I hate to wake you up to say goodbye. .

Quite true except that my bags aren't packed yet and I don't think I'll ever be really ready to go.. and its outside my door that I'm standing, saying goodbye to more than just one person. And am definitely not leaving on a jet plane. But leaving anyway. And this song keeps playing in my head.

There's so much to do, so much to say, so many people to meet, so many places to go...that the fact that I'm actually leaving home for the first time in my life is buried under a heap of expectations, hopes and disappointments too.

Its not supposed to be a big deal because so many people have been there and done that. But still, it is. Because its my turn and I never expected it and its happening now and I don't really have a choice.

Don't get me wrong, I don't dislike it. In fact, I am looking forward to it. It would be a chance to get away from it all, to start again, to learn good things, to create new friendships, to write letters home, to buy gifts back for everyone I care for, to learn the pain of missing home and family and friends, to relearn the art of putting down roots in a new place... It would be an experience.

But it could have happened in a different way. I guess I never really had the power to choose. And I guess I should have realised that a long, long time ago. Maybe I did and just never acknowledged it. I've always been (mostly) an optimist, an idealist. And I still don't think that was wrong.

So in exactly another 2 weeks, I'll be leaving to another country. To another stage in my life. Maybe the time away from home will teach me something. I'll definitely try to learn, anyhow. I was and still am game for change. And this is a big one. So wish me luck because I'm going to need it.

p.s : Thanks for the prompt, Shan :)

# 032 My Day Out!

Yesterday I had a day out with one of my very good friends, Hemaa. Fetched her from her house at about 11.30 a.m, headed straight to Jusco (where else, right? Sban has become cooler since JJ arrived..or so everyone thinks!) and we were just in time to watch Transformers. It was her second time and my first. I know its a little late and way after all the hype, but hey, cars and robots? Not my kinda thing. Or so I thought. Boy, was I wrong! Initially wanted to watch Simpsons but she already promised to watch it with someone else. Turns out it was a lucky thing because I really, really enjoyed Transformers! Now I understand why another friend of mine said it was "easily the best summer movie" and I couldn't agree more. Of course, he also went to watch it the second time due to the presence of a certain 'Fox-y' lady =] No, Sudhee? Haha.. I see where the attraction lies though.. Whereas for us ladies, there's only kiddo Sam. Sure, he's got a good heart and all that but he's no match for the macho guy on the set Optimus Prime and the oh-so-lovable Bumblebee. Granted, Sam's definitely a few notches above Mr. Sector 7 /Mr. Superman-Wannabe (I forgot his name) with the infamous floral shorts. That was hilarious =] The movie was funny, scary, touching and terrific all at the same time. And not many movies can do that. Really, really enjoyed it.

After the movie we had lunch, and walked around the mall doing loads and loads of window shopping. That's the only kind of shopping I can do without any guilt. =) That, and book shopping. Was mainly looking around to find gifts for my dad, mom and sis whose birthdays all fall in the expense-inducing month of September. I know its extremely early but I won't be around then so I'm getting everything while I'm still here. Planning ahead. *patting myself on the back* I'm thinking about getting a book for my dad (who is sitting write next to me now watching tv, oblivious that I'm hatching all these plans. Really, its quite amusing =]) My dad- like the rest of the family- is an avid reader so I think a book will do quite nicely. Of courselah I'm not getting him fiction, something more along the lines of business/finance/economics. Got the names of a few books, now need to do a little research and voila! the perfect gift (I hope). Mom is bit harder to shop for, but I was thinking maybe something from Body Shop. Consulting sis about this. Since my sister reads this blog occasionally (hint!!) I can't say much about her gift except that I looked at quite a few things and now am having a hard time choosing. Have been unmercilessly and very deservedly rubbing it into her that her birthday is in September and I'm thinking about her gift NOW, whereas my birthday was in JUNE and I'm yet to receive anything!! *gasp! shock! horror!* Thoroughly succeeded in making her feel guilty (which was my intention) and am feeling very smug and angelic and good myself. Haha, I'm evil, I know!!

So we were walking around, checking out all that before heading back to her house. Lepaked there for a while, looking at pics of her bro's engagement and her university's Deepavali night videos which were brilliant and amusing at the same time. =)

When I drove back home, there was just the slightest hint of drizzle in the air; it was cool and blue and quiet. My favourite kind of weather. I switched on the radio, and tapped time on my steering wheel to the tunes while humming to myself. And paying close attention to the road and traffic, of course.

And that, was my day out.

CURRENT :

• READ - DIAMOND AS BIG AS THE RITZ AND OTHER STORIES by F. SCOTT FITZGERALD

• MOOD - CHEERFUL =)
  

# 031

I feel...

scared happy angry confused hopeful expectant excited bemused sad melancholic sentimental ecstatic depressed satisfied funny energetic listless thorough thirsty stupid brilliant accomplished inferior ordinary good jealous left-out loved unloved sleepy rushed pressured beautiful mediocre intrepid noisy loud tempestuous calm

And sometimes, I feel...you. Even though its been a long while.

# 030 Surprise, surprise!

I like surprises.

I'd rather not be asked or told about my birthday presents.
I put my mp3 player on shuffle mode.
I hate knowing endings to books or movies before I experience them myself.

Therefore, I like surprises. And being surprised.
Or so I thought, anyway.

So when I found out that I wasn't offered the course of my choice in the public university, it was very surprising indeed, especially and even more so because I had the required grades.

And that's when I realised...

There are some surprises that I do not like.

# 029

I know, I know...this has been too long a hiatus. Its just that my life has been a bit of a rollercoaster ride this past few weeks, months.

Choices have been mulled over, decisions have been made, preparations are underway.. Its a big change, but one that is inevitable, really.. It does not matter now how hard I tried previously to get things to be the way I want them to be. There's a power here at play that is bigger than me, bigger than any of us.

And so, it has to be this way. For better or for worse..

# 028 Of Walking Down Memory Lane

Confession : I was half hoping that I would have trouble logging in again...because I'm too lazy to blog!!! Such an irresponsible blogger, I am.So today, was...nice. In a way. After all, the days don't vary much when you've been at home for the past 6 months. I absolutely can't wait to go to varsity and horror of horrors, I actually miss studying. I hope I'm not turning into too much of a nerd.

So anyway, today..was spent mostly looking through photos. Albums and albums of them. Parent's wedding photos, photos of 3 of us as tiny tots, photos of our trips to Cameron, Genting etc., and some of us doing what we do best - having lots and lots of fun doing the crazy things we do. That translates as lots of posing with costumes and stuff. Don't ask =)

It was definitely a long walk down memory lane, and a good one at that. Each photo had a story to tell and sis, mom and I had a lot of fun talking and laughing and reminiscing. What was especially fun was looking for all the photos of our younger bro when he was cute and an adorable baby with an everlasting smile and demanding we want that small boy back instead of the huge, strapping, guy at home who refuses to 'show the love'. Just figures, huh?

Now, I'm planning to compile some of my photos in a personal album. And I was thinking of adding other knick-knacks like cards, handmade items, postcards, letters etc. from when I was that particular age to make the album into a sort of 'journey of my life' thing. Should be fun. Also, good for filling up my time now since I'm so free =)

Will update on how my album goes and if everything goes well, will post some pics!

CURRENT :

• READ - SPECIAL ASSIGNMENTS by BORIS AKUNIN

• MOOD - HYPER "Action is Eloquence" -The Bard-

# 027

I can finally sign in to my blog (was having trouble earlier) and suddenly, I'm having writer's block. These things just happen, don't they?

Maybe tomorrow then, when I've thought of something to blog about. =(

# 026

Oh, how I hate having the flu. I'm as sick as a dog!

Are dogs sick?
Because mine doesn't get sick, ever. Like never. My dog is as fit as a fiddle.

Are fiddles fit?

p.s to sis : See you tomorrow, try not to catch my flu!

# 025 Of Impossible

Sometimes, I wish for the impossible.

For that which dives like liquid between my palms as I touch it.

And for that which runs like sand through my fingers as I try to grasp at it.

And especially for that which flits above me, like butterflies on the horizon when I am but a mere stone on the ground, lying unimportant, negligible, forgotten.

Sometimes, I wish for the impossible. The unattainable. The elusive.

Like sunsets at dawn. And perfection.

# 024

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

# 023 Of Anne

One of my favourite book series is the Anne of Green Gables books. I’ve read all eight a few times each and the two Chronicles of Avonlea books besides. Each character has grown dear to me, especially Anne, who is my ultimate heroine of all time. I’ve lived and grown with those books; loving every story and corner of Prince Edward Island and I have no doubt that I would feel right at home if I ever go there in the flesh, since I’ve already been there a thousand times otherwise.

I love all the Anne books, none being a particular favourite because they are all a piece of the larger portrait which forms Anne’s life. Each book portrays her at different times in her life, from when she was a lonely orphan first coming to Avonlea until she becomes a mother of seven during war times.

Anne seems as real to me as any other friend of mine, only she lived in a different time. And it was a great gift to be able to travel with her through her passage in life.

I gasped for air with her as she talked nineteen-to-the-dozen on that first buggy cart ride with Matthew back home, cheered for Marilla when she said Anne could stay even though she was unfortunate enough not to be a boy, squirmed with embarrassment when she was told to stand in front of the whole school in shame after the mortifying slate incident with Gilbert, tossed my head in indignation with her when he asked to be friends again, solemnly promised eternal friendship with Diana as she did too, cried along when Matthew died, encouragingly stood in the background while she thought her pupils in her old school, rather apprehensively voyaged with her on her journey to Redmond, felt sorry for poor Gilbert when she turned him down the first time only to realise later that she did love him after all, shot Cupid’s arrows for her many matchmaking schemes, followed the newly-weds to their House Of Dreams, delighted in Captain Jim’s stories as much as she did, trysted with the Blythe children in their Rainbow Valley, laughed at their childish antics as much as Anne did, saw the Piper that only Walter could see, cried quarts and gallons of tears when he died on the battlefield (he was my favourite Anne-kid), chuckled over Susan’s marriage proposal from Whiskers-On-The-Moon, and breathed a sigh of regret and contentment after I read the last page of the Anne series.

Anne, in my opinion is an epitome of womanhood – good, kind, brave, strong, making friends wherever she went, rising above the petty things in life, not afraid of being herself and standing up for what she believed in, treating everybody with the same respect and manner and unconsciously leaving behind a trail of gladness as if she was so, so very happy to be born into this beautiful world of ours.

I hope Lucy Maud Montgomery knew what a legacy she left behind when she penned the Anne stories. I’m sure that there are many others besides me who have been touched and moved by the strength of her heroine.

Here’s to Anne…

p.s to sis : Hey, I decided to include this since you actually read my blog (I'm still waiting for bro to admit to it, then I have to do some serious editting =]) I'm going to include snippets of home news so that you don't get bored and homesick living in that "jail" of yours (inverted commas in case people think you're actually in jail - I wonder what crime you would have had to commit. lol) so home news #1 - tomorrow ma & I going to buy bro's present and I'll probably make a cake too. Sorry can't save it till you come back coz it'll prob rot by then, hahha. So that's about it. Take care and study hard!!

# 022

Right now, I'm thinking about Mr. Nice Guy. Not that there's much to think about because I only met him twice, both times for about ten minutes (maybe less) and both in the same day at that. But he was Mr. Nice Guy. And I was just thinking that it would be nice to have more nice guys like Mr. Nice Guy.

Not many people can be thought of as just nice. They would probably have to be predominantly nice for people to think, 'hey, he's nice..' If that person was more funny then nice, then he would be funny guy, not nice guy. So for each Mc Dreamy or Mc Yummy or Mc Steamy (yes, I'm a Grey's Anatomy fan) I doubt there's a Mc Nice. Even the guys I know don't really qualify (except for Mr Nice Guy of course, whom technically, I don't really know). Although some of my friends are quite 'taggable' - there's a Mc Practical, Mc Sarcastic, Mc Flirt, Mc Clown (two actually, they would beat Ronald Mc Donald flat), Mc Perfect, Mc Cheeky, Mc Gentleman...there's no Mc Nice. And nice is so...nice. It beats everything else. To me, the highest compliment I could give anyone is that they're nice because nice covers almost everything else.

As I said, it would really be nice to have more nice guys like Mr. Nice Guy.

# 021 Of friendships..(cont)

When writing my previous post, I forgot the 4th category of friends - the ones lost forever, friendships beyond redemption. And right now, I'm thinking of two people right at the top of my head. I could probably find some more if I did some serious soul searching, so I won't try. Its not that we fought or vowed to be eternal enemies; there was no grand culmination with rain lashing down and thunder spewing out ominous warnings. It was just a gradual change over time which stemmed from simple misunderstandings or things that should not have been said or feelings that were best hidden. The kind of things that were nobody's fault, they just happened. I guess it wouldn't really matter if we hadn't been so close before, but we were and it does. The trouble is, we can't even bury the hatchet and put it behind us because there isn't one to bury. So what else is there to do but to quietly accept destiny's decision and give in to the bigger plan?

To M- and D-, I'll miss those times; the good old days. And I'll treasure the memories, because that's all that is left.

# 020 Of friendships

I've been doing a bit of thinking lately; mostly about the friends I have and the friendships I've forged over the years.

There are the types that you saw everyday but rarely met after high school. Yet, when you do, everyone is talking at once at the drop of a hat and it seems like it was only yesterday when you last saw each other. Its effortless to catch up from where you left off. You don't need phone calls or SMS or e-mails or letters. Its just there, a heart-to-heart connection. Maybe its because you've known each other for years so it feels alright. It feels just fine. And those kinds of friendships are hard to find so hold on to them. I've made the mistake of thinking some of them were rather overbearing and stifling; my eyes were blind to the true friendship that was the forging bond between us. How I regret harbouring those thoughts. Lucky for me nothing vitiates those kind of friendships. These are friends that I can count on for anything, whether its sunny or cloudy on the horizon. They'll be there to laugh with me and to hold my hand when I'm down. I'm sure of it.

Another type is the long-lost friend. You might have seen and talked to him or her in another month, another year, another lifetime but somehow, something always seems to bring both back together. Its funny how fate works. Somethings were just meant to be. These types are worth keeping too because even if you lose them, they're going to come back anyhow =] You probably have a lot of fun reminiscing about the past, filling up the gaps where fate decided to take a break. You'll probably laugh yourselves silly thinking about all the firsts and wondering why it wasn't this easy before. It probably was but since its been some time, there's need to start all over again. But its definitely worth it.

And there's this last group. When you're together, its great - you hit it off at once. But there's something not quite right. The friendship is just good on the surface. There's no depth, and no real understanding. You might have some things in common and that's why you've stuck together - because it was convenient, but its not the lasting thing you think it is. Its a fragile relationship and as fickle as a flower bending in the breeze. It doesn't help when other factors become an easy distraction. And then you're just a friend of the past, no longer the chummy buddy you once were and there's a bitter aftertaste left behind. These friends have a proclivity to be friendly when there's no one else around, but when there is, *poof!* they vanish! When more important things come up, you're cast off and while it stings a little at first, you think you're better off that way. Getting too close was rather detrimental anyway. You're in better company on your own.

I have friends from all three categories. Before, I may have mistaken one for another, or given more importance to the wrong people. But now, I think I know better.

I think its called growing up.

CURRENT :

• MUSIC - WHEN A BLIND MAN CRIES by DEEP PURPLE
• READ - BED REST by SARAH BILSTON
• MOOD - THOUGTFUL "Be great in act as you have been in thought" -The Bard-

# 019

• A doctor provides cure. A mother provides comfort.
• A lawyer argues his case. A mother reasons with love.
• A teacher teaches her students. A mother educates them.
• A chef prepares exotic gourmet meals. A mother prepares home-cooked food which nothing can beat.
• A contractor builds a house. A mother builds a home.

I could go on and on. Seems to me that a mother's job is the most essential in the world and sometimes, the least appreciated of all.

So, to all mothers everywhere, Happy Mother's Day!!

# 018

What's as good as reading are having books that are waiting to be read.

And I have 5 brand new books from the Star!! All clamouring to be opened, to have their pages turned, the words in them read and reflected upon or giggled at or even awarded a smirk or a raised eyebrow.

Certainly, there are few things better in this world than having good books to read..

# 017

I sort of stole this from my cousin's blog. Well, she did tag 'anyone' so I qualify, don't you think? Here goes.

Finish the phrases. Some may be uncomfortable, but you'll manage.

1. I've come to realize that my last dance..
:: will not be on Earth

2. I am listening to..
:: the voice in my head, i.e my thoughts (just to make it clear)

3. I talk..
:: fast

4. I love..
:: my family, making lists, white roses and trees (not necessarily in that order)

6. My first dance..
:: will be significant

9. Love is..
:: the greatest power that ever was

10. Marriage is..
:: transcendental

11. Somewhere, someone is thinking...
:: of someone else

12. I'll always..
:: have time to listen

13. I had a secret crush..
:: on a fictional character

14. I cried because..
:: I'm only human

15. My cell phone is..
:: right here

16. I woke up this morning and..
:: lived!

17. Before I go to bed..
:: I entertain my lofty dreams

18. Right now I am thinking..
:: of what to type here

19. Babies are..
:: innocence personified

21. Today, I..
:: finished a book

22. Tonight I will..
:: start another, I hope

23. Tomorrow I will be..
:: looking forward to the weekend

24. I really want to be..
:: all that I can

I tag anyone too!!

# 016 Of trees galore!

I love trees. Crooked, straight, bent, old, young, gnarled, shady, contorted, leafy... You name it, I love it. There's just something about them, something so human, and when the wind blows and the leaves are all a-rustling, I swear it seems they're talking in their own secret language. Of course, it doesn't help that their branches look like hands, and if you stare long enough at the contours on their great trunks, you could probably make out shapes of faces. Trees can be such a comfort, you know. Whenever I used to feel down or just out of it, I would cycle to a particular part of the road outside my house where the tall trees formed a sort of canopy high above my head and just go round and round there on my bike. It was a great cure for my romantic soul, sitting there amidst the trees =]

I think they are one of God's greatest creations. The very fact that they are so beautiful in every shape and size is testament to that. In all their imperfections, they are perfect. I don't think I've ever come across an ugly tree, unless its a chopped up piece of log. I'd love to wax lyrical on the beauty and grandeur of these majestic things but I probably won't do them justice. I can feel it, but don't possess the power to translate them into words, more is the pity.

During my childhood (and sometimes even now) I've longed and longed for a tree house. Longed to be one of those young Western boys and girls who spend their waking hours (or so it seems) climbing trees, building tree houses, going camping and picnicking in the woods and generally engaging in such wholesome frolics that are far beyond the reach of us modern age kids. Oh, the folly of Enid Blyton for causing us to harbour such tender, foolish dreams which can never be realised. I always thought I was born in the wrong era. But I suppose those aforesaid boys and girls would envy us our modern gadgets.

So, I have to be contented with what I have and suppress the thought that the grass may be greener on the other side. And comfort myself with the fact that I live very near lots and lots of trees, a whole jungle actually and that the government regards it as a sort of tourist(?) area and have not marked the land for clearing. Yet.

# 015 Of redefining definitions

New definition:

A home is : where the mirrors show you at your best.

# 014

I will never, ever just walk off when any promoter approaches me. Having had the rather, ahem, interesting experience of actually being one for 5 very long days, I now know exactly how they feel.

Its not that they are asking every customer they approach to buy their goods. Oh no, not at all. But they are, after all human, and at the tender mercies of their bosses and promoting is a job they have to do. So, even if we shoppers have no intention at all to stop and listen to what they have to say, at least we can offer a smile and a polite 'no, thank you', no?

The worst kinds were those who just walked off as if I was totally invisible or talking to my shoe and those who deliberately turned away from me. Some were downright rude too! So much for warm and friendly Malaysians. How disheartening! There are only so many times a body can handle rejection, you know! And there are the wives/girlfriends who at once stop the husband/boyfriend just as he is about to reach for the wallet. Why, oh why are the ladies like this, I really have no idea. I for one, will not be like that next time. There's really something in the saying that you gotta put yourself in the other person's shoes and walk a mile in it. I walked in them for 5 days and gained a lot of insight along with sore feet.

Nevertheless, I had some very pleasant experiences. One young couple agreed to buy the product I was promoting just to 'tolong budak ini lah' (help the kid, lah). How sweet.. They certainly made my day. And several friends turned up and that was nice, because familiar faces were very, very welcome. And my very first customer gave me a 1 cent coin to keep as a token because I told him he was my first. I still have it. Some just helped out because they wanted to. Maybe they've gone through similar experiences as kids? I wouldn't know but I've definitely learnt quite a bit. About people, human nature and the power of a smile, even when saying no.

And now that its over, I can go back to being lazy, insouciant and absolutely care-free!

# 013 Of firsts..

I guess its here to stay. And I have to live with that. I don't think I can really do much about it. I don't think I want to do much about it.

The pain is comfort. Most of the times, anyway. Besides, the sting is fading now, leaving behind only a dull sort of ache. A sort of lonely regret. But of course, it has greatly lessened with time. Its a once in a blue moon occurrence now, but I still remember the days when it haunted my thoughts every single night. It reverberated in my mind and occupied my soul. I remember the hot tears that seemed to come straight from my heart. Those days are gone forever and I couldn't be more grateful.

I can't help the pangs I get sometimes. They keep me company, they remind me of what I had once. Of what I wanted, however foolish it was. But in a way, the whole experience has helped, helped me grow. I'm more guarded now with my emotions, so guarded I can almost control what I feel and how much I feel it. A good thing? I hope so.

First is always special, magical. Because we think it will never end. It doesn't actually, it takes root and grows deep and firm and becomes a part of you. No matter how much you don't want it to, the first always lasts.

Not in the same way as before perhaps, but it lasts..

# 012 Of Cures and Comfort

Whenever I am sad or lonely or just out of it, I tend to clam up and mope around. Such is my nature. I give the world’s shortest answers to any and all questions posed. Answers which don’t include words, most of the time. And then, if the feeling is rather overwhelming, I treat myself to a luxurious cry, in an attempt to get rid of all the unwanted, pressing emotions. Just like the air clears up after a heavy rainstorm, a good cry helps clear my head too. And then I start phase 2 : The Cure.

This is my favourite part because it includes Comfort Food - ice-cream usually or chocolate if the former is not available - and Comfort Reads -Agatha Christie. A bit macabre I know, but I like how she ties up all the loose ends so neatly in the end. So effortlessly (in writing that is, in the novel the detective can't be said to use no effort at all). I always wish- rather ambitiously, that it was that way in real life too. Maybe it can be, if I learn to apply her 'method and order' system (I'm such a Poirot fan) to determine whether trivial and frivolous things that usually bother me should..

And sometimes, if I can't lay my hands on an Agatha Christie book, I opt for the celluloid version of therapy. Movies!! Usually a romantic comedy, my favourite genre. Sometimes the movie perks me up with the traditional 'happily ever after' ending with the hero and the heroine riding off on a white horse into the sunset together (in these times, it would be driving off in a Mercedes Benz into a seaside condo together. Figures). Other times, when I'm determined to wallow in self-pity, it only gets me feeling even worse because it hits me like a ton of bricks that real life can never be like reel life. So, with television, there's always the chance of a backfire.

After all, its called the idiot box for a reason.

CURRENT :

• MUSIC - TURN by TRAVIS
• MOOD - MELANCHOLY "What's gone and what's past help should be past grief" -The Bard-

# 011 Of Walks and Solitude

I am enjoying long walks these days. Today I went alone. Nowhere far, just around my neighbourhood, but it was nice. It was one of the rare times I went by myself; usually I’m accompanied by my mother and then a neighbour or two join/s us.

I took my time, just breathing in all the loveliness around me. It was slightly grey, the sky overcast with dark clouds threatening to pour at any moment. And the breeze that was blowing smelt of rain - that pure, cleansing scent that I love. The tall, tall trees towered above me, creating a canopy which I walked under - something that made me feel ensconced and comforted. The sound of (dead) leaves crunching under my shoes was like a friendly accompaniment to the rhythmic thudding of my brisk footsteps.

Unfortunately, I couldn't catch a glimpse of the friendly neighbourhood (not Spiderman) kingfisher perched on its usual branch. It usually sat there, overlooking the small river with its sharp, beady eyes, swooping in at the right moment to grab a fish, its bright blue wings spread wide. When it takes flight, its as if a gem of the brightest blue is darting about amidst the leaves - an utterly magnificent scene. If I'm driving, I usually stop the car and watch, and it never fails to mesmerise. But today, it was just me, the breeze and the friendly neighbourhood (nope, not Spiderman) dogs.

The solitude was gratifying. I needed it. I think everyone needs some alone time, sort of to recharge one's batteries. And I recharged mine today.

Being lonely is no fun. But being alone...it sure felt good.

# 010 Of books and writings

Happy World Book Day, everyone! Or rather, belated greetings!

In accordance with WBD, I've made a sort of resolution : To start reading the books that I have neglected since forever in favour of newer ones like my current read. Examples of books that have been collecting the cobwebs include The Good Earth by Pearl S. Buck, The Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens (I know, I know..) and Cry, The Beloved Country by Alan Paton. I hope writing it down in black and white, even if it IS virtually, helps.

Am enjoying Kafka On The Shore by Haruki Murakami, although I find that its a little weird so far.. but that was rather expected. All those twists and turns, and not knowing what to expect at the next corner.. But, Michelle told me it was a good read and I have the highest regard for her opinion and taste. Besides, what's life without a little spice and variety in it?

I was just thinking, it's been quite a while since I've written anything (blogging dooesn't count). Am getting a little worried. Is this just a overdose of writer's block or the absolute end to my scribbles??? I am rather inclined to think it's the former, coupled with a healthy dose of laziness and an uncreative, inactive mind. Need to shift those gears into action again. I can already hear the low 'whirr' of the Mind. Toodles!

CURRENT :

• READ - KAFKA ON THE SHORE by HARUKI MURAKAMI
• MUSIC - SOUND OF SILENCE by NATURE

# 009

I'm somewhat of an aesthete.

# 008 Of Memories..

I remember...

1) being innocent and carefree

2) when I used to wake up in the wee hours of the morning just to feel the magic of being the only one awake, curled up in the sofa reading Enid Blyton. Such times are few and far between now, and its no longer E.B.

3) a time when murderous shootings like the Virginia Tech massacre would cause me to react with horror and repulsion

4) a little girl who never realised the power of words, especially to hurt..

5) thinking I was better

6) a time when I everything was either black or white.

7) friends who were angelic and could never do any wrong in my eyes..

8) rejecting the obvious

9) when 10 p.m. was LATE

10) feeling either happy or sad

And now...

1) I am neither that innocent nor very carefree either

2) the magic is lost because the innocence is lost and there aren't any of E.B's pixies and goblins and brownies to bring it all back

3) I'm afraid that I'm growing immune to violence because we're all getting used to it? What a horrifying thought..

4) I know that words are worse than the sharpest sword. True, with words there's no scar but what's left behind is a wound that is kept open and forever raw by that traitor within - memory..

5) I realise I'm not, I'm just different

6) life is all shades of grey, with or without the rose-tinted glasses..

7) friends are only human and when things happen to those closest to you, your idea of right and wrong wavers and you learn not to be too judgemental

8) I'm embracing it and its for the better

9) what a laugh! =]

10) I feel : happy, sad, excited, melancholy, depressed, listless, ecstatic, lonely, loved, annoyed, angry, disappointed, okay, calm, confused, jealous, moody, accomplished and etc. - a myriad of emotions I can't even start to comprehend

CURRENT :

• READ - KAFKA ON THE SHORE by HARUKI MURAKAMI
• MUSIC - ACCHI LAGTI HO from KUCH NAA KAHO

# 007 Of Books..

This is my top ten for the Star Book Poll. Wondering whether any of the books I've chosen will be on the actual list. I haven't and probably won't at any specific time have read all the books that I want to because there's just TOO many. Anyway, this is it, in no specific order..

1) To Kill A Mockingbird by Harper Lee
2) God of Small Things by Arundhati Roy
3) Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte
4) Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen
5) Little Women series by Louisa May Alcott
6) Anne of Green Gables series by Lucy Maud Montgomery
7) Sophie's World by Jostein Gaarder
8) Shannon's Way by A. J. Cronin
9) Rice Mother by Rani Manicka
10) Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger

I have to say that no. 1 is my absolute, all-time favourite and I seriously doubt that any book in the world will ever change that. I've read it an uncountable number of times, and am still nowhere near getting tired of it.

p.s : I forgot about Animal Farm by George Orwell (They should have a top 20 or maybe a top 100 even =])

CURRENT :

• READ - still LIFE OF PI BY YANN MARTEL
• MUSIC - MUSIC BIT BY UNNIKRISHNAN

# 006 Of what should have been

I've just realised something.. If I ever want to do anything really badly after this I will just DO IT. No more what ifs and what if nots and repeated contemplations of pros and cons. Because its just not worth it.

And because I dillied and dallied and generally took my own sweet time about things I missed Pan's Labyrinth. It has stopped playing now and I really wanted to watch it. It just won't be the same if I rent or buy the cd. The whole cinema experience itself it what I was looking forward to. *sigh* Well, I can't say there's always next time. I guess I just have to live with it.

I missed the Kuala Lumpur International Literary Fest (KLILF) too!! This was not entirely my fault, really. It was more of circumstances and such.. Firstly, the location (Bangsar) was not very convenient as the festival was 3 days and since I don't have a car/motorcycle/helicopter, it posed some difficulties. I could have taken public transport but I don't know the whereabouts and the way to go to most of the places all the events were held - like Bangsar Village, Bangsar Village II, Alexis Bistro and Silverfish Books) so : not happening. Seremban is a wonderful but sometimes... Anyway, even if I had somehow managed the transport, the fee (RM 100 or RM 200, I'm not sure) would have burnt a little hole in my pocket, especially since that was just the entrance fee. Food, drinks, transport etc. not included. Funny thing though, the KLILF was on a Wednesday, Thursday and Friday and most of the events were during working hours so I wonder which age group the organisers were targeting? The fee says one thing and the timing says another. Well, to be fair, the previous KLILF cost even more because of the venue. I did contact Silverfish to ask if they needed volunteers - good chance to soak up the atmosphere and do some good work at the same time - but they already had enough people.

Anyway, all this just serves to tell me that the next time (if there is one) I should just work things out somehow. Hopefully, I get another shot at KLILF next year and this time, I'll make sure I'm there!

CURRENT :

• MUSIC - THIS IS OUR SONG by CODE RED
• READ - LIFE OF PI by YANN MARTEL
• MOOD - HOPEFUL "True hope is swift and flies with swallows wings" -The Bard-

# 005 Of what never was

To M-,

Us

Golden sunshine and sunbeams,
On rose petals floating in the stream,
Dewdrops tiptoe on blades of grass,
Glistening magic as we pass,
Us,
Lavender and cream,
Just like in a dream,
Swirling pinwheels, colours riot,
I laugh and dance and smile,
It's been a while,
Everything sings to me,
I see you.

Rainbow colours fade,
Bubbles burst in bitter lemonade,
An empty field except for one,
The hero who let everyone down,
The vultures circle in the sky,
For us?
Someone once said,
Life passes you by,
And if you're too happy,
The Gods give you tears to cry,
Shadows loom from the past,
You're fading fast.

Minutes to midnight,
As the pendulum swings,
Snakes hiss, bats take flight,
On leathery, feathery wings,
The Joker poses his question,
Us?
There never was a question,
Needle and thread sew tight the wounds,
Time nor love can heal,
And I ache to be reborn,
The clock bells peal,
You're gone.

CURRENT :

• MUSIC - THE RIDDLE BY FIVE FOR FIGHTING
• MOOD - MELANCHOLY "Life's but a walking shadow" -The Bard-

# 004 Of Poulomi's Bday Party

I had been stuck at home so long that Poulomi's invitation to her 18th birthday party was a much welcomed diversion from the rather boring routine my life has taken (eating, sleeping, reading, watching television - not in that particular order).

When we (brother and I) reached her house, a big group was already there and as soon as I walked in, Michelle spotted me and greeted me with a big hug. She got me a drink and we began our catch up session, which included reminiscences of life in our ex-school and finding out how our juniors are doing there now.

After much persuasion by Poulomi's mum and Poulomi herself, the guys started the 'makan' process and were eagerly followed by the girls, whom I suspect would have started a lot earlier had they the chance. And boy, was the food good! Rather unique too.. Until now, I still haven't figured out what exactly was in that vegetarian sandwich which was extremely yummy. Many had the same trouble and the aforesaid sandwich was the object of much scrutiny and discussion. Thoroughly enjoyed the mostly vegetarian meal. I only just found out that Poulomi has been a vegetarian for FIVE years! I don't think I could possibly last that long, even if I tried =]

After that, the floor was open for dancing. Unfortunately, since most of us were waiting for somebody to start off, the floor was rather empty at first, exempting a few sporadic attempts by some of the more zealous boys. But soon enough, we warmed up albeit not straying much from our comfort zones - the girls' being a corner near the radio. Really quite funny.

When the clock struck midnight, Poulomi's aunty came out bearing a chocolate cake and we all sang the birthday song. Poulomi's mother then proceeded to smear choc cream on everyone's cheeks and at that precise moment I (following Michelle's example) quickly walked away and escaped. Haha..

Later, when most of the guests had already left, Aaron and Ramani gave us - after much prompting - a classical Indian performance with Aaron singing Alaipayuthey and Ramani accompanying him on the tabla. I really enjoyed it. Was nice to see them enjoying themselves while entertaining the rest of us. Both are really good. Left soon after when dad came to fetch us.

I enjoyed myself and best of all, I had fun, met old friends and acquaintances and made a few new ones in the process. Happy belated birthday to Poulomi!

p.s. : For pictures, visit Michelle's blog www.missmichy.com Enjoy!

CURRENT:

• 
  

MUSIC - INDIAN RAIN BY COLONIAL COUSINS

MOOD - HAPPY "How much better it is to weep at joy than to joy at weeping" -The Bard-

# 003 Of Elusive Perfection...

Sometimes, your best is just not enough to attain perfection. Kinda makes you wonder, were you never meant to? Just once? I've tried and tried, but it alway's seems to slip away. Elusive thing, perfection. I get so near and realise that I might as well have missed it by a mile. Really, sometimes I think its just one too many times. Sometimes, I feel like its pointless, this race that I run. And I've also thought of giving up, but that's just not me. I have a feeling that, no matter how long it takes, I'll always be there, trying.. I'll bide my time. It'll be mine yet.. Someday..

***

I'm on my last book now for the Star reviews. The last time I went, I collected 6 books and am yet to go again. Planning to finish my last one by this weekend and go sometime next week. Chris wants to come along, we'll probably go catch Pan's Labyrinth together in KL since its refusing to come to Seremban and have a good time altogether. Looking forward to it. Will update.

CURRENT :

• MUSIC - YESTERDAY BY THE BEATLES
• READ - ASSASSIN"S TOUC H BY LAURA JOH ROWLAND
• MOOD - DETERMINED "Strong reasons make strong actions" -The Bard

# 002 Of life and odds and ends..

Getting exam results is one thing and all the hassle after is another. Applications, numerous visits to school, cracking your brain about what to apply for, where to apply to, weighing the odds of getting one or the other course/varsity.. Really, it can all drive even the most docile student up the wall. Plus the fact that one gets different kinds of advice from different sources (mind you, its all with the best of intentions) about different things, all you want to do is go hibernate somewhere deep underground (or as closest to that as you can get) where you're safe from all the chaos in the world. But obviously, that's not even remotely possible. So, on goes life and on you go with it.

I don't regret doing STPM. Not one bit. It was one of the best experiences in my life. I got to know many amazing people I would not have had the chance to otherwise. I got to study in a truly wonderful school in which I feel like I belonged. I had the chance to prove myself over and over again, especially to the biggest doubter, ME. I had the chance to make some true, 'for life' friends. And most importantly, I had the chance to do it my way. And so, I can only cross my fingers and hope for the best after this. Things will work out somehow, I'm sure. They always do.

I aim to take my cousin's advice pertaining varsity life - one which I'm looking forward to everyday.

1. Have fun (as much as I can get without crossing the line, you know : THE line)
2. Maintain a good CGPA
3. Learn something (outside the textbook, that is..about life and all its mysterious twists, turns and bends without relinquishing who I am)

Its like right now... I'm standing in the middle of nowhere. I look back and I've been walking a long, straight road all this while. And now, in front of me, there's a bend in the road. Try as hard as I may, I can't seem to get a look, not even a peek beyond that. The sand dunes are swirling and blinding my eyes. All I can do is bide my time, and wait...

***

Heard this line in a movie and been thinking about it..Anybody with the answer?

A bird can fall in love with a fish, but where would they live?

CURRENT:

• MUSIC - HOW TO SAVE A LIFE BY FRAY
• READ - AS I WAS PASSING BY SRI DELIMA
• MOOD - ANXIOUS "Wilt thou be gone? It is not yet near day. It was the nightingale, and not the lark" -The Bard-

# 001 Of first posts...

The first post was supposed to be profound, significant, deep.

But, all I can think of now is the fact that my results are coming out tomorrow and no matter how much I fret, and worry and hope, it will all be over in a split second when I look at that piece of paper. Ironic. And this is all going to happen in less than 12 hours. Scary thought.

Right now, all I want to do is curl up in bed and drift off safely to slumber land. (It's the right weather too, just after a heavy rain.) But, I'm sure that I'll be tossing and turning all night.

Wish me luck...

CURRENT :

• MUSIC - TURN BY TRAVIS
• MOOD - RESTLESS "Rest, rest, perturbed spirit!" -The Bard-